Aw thank you, that means a lot
And I don’t want the constant thought of what if I left what if I stay and why does it all hurt this way. Because then I day dream of blood and hospitals and not boys and college. My future becomes dark and I don’t hope anymore. Please don’t let me go back. I’m happy here. Or was that fake too? Am I just lying to myself? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know.
I’m sad in a way I haven’t been in a long time. I’m lonely in a way I’d made myself believe didn’t exist. I’m so stressed in a way that it tears at every thought in my fucking head.
I don’t want to go back to it but I’ve been feeling myself slipping for a while. I don’t want to be sad again. Please don’t let me fall into the constant fuzz and buzz and noise everywhere. It’s so sad and it makes me pick at my skin and wish I could crawl out and exist outside of this damned body.
I hate this body. It’s a cage. I don’t belong in it. I don’t belong. I don’t.
It’ll be okay I tell myself as I rub my arm then scratch it then dig my nails so far they taste red.
It’ll be okay. As long as you feel the pain it’ll be okay.
But how is it okay if you’re always dreaming of tomorrow and never today? And how is it okay if there’s no happiness in the little things, only in the dreams.
If the future seems bright but the present is gray and the past is black, is it really okay?